september

heat high up in the air, cool on the ground. didion in hand. secondhand sweater that smells like you. before i leave the house i bury my face in it, keep you on my face, leave you on my cheek, leave in blush, in bashfulness, i’m still that sixteen year old boy in all his closeted insecurities. but i leap out of the front door in a rush. because when you look like you’re in a hurry, the insecurities peel away. rotation by herb alpert. didion all month, but i think of the unbearable lightness of being. is it better to be heavy or light? books i should read, books i meant to get to. because she read bonjour tristesse. because it’s a book that defined the way i wanted to live life as the insecure sixteen-year-old. he’s still there, in me, loved in the way you love any little brother. or how a newborn uncle feeds a green glass neck of heineken down his nephew’s virgin throat and calls that love. i’ve never learned to love like this, but i’ve seen it. i was there. pretending to be loved like this, adjacent. because the leaves turn and flash with a warmth that begs my brain to expand, slowly. to throw my head back and drink in change. a change of seasons. a change of clothes. a change that clusters and knots out the insecurities so that i’m not rushed, not hurried, but myself high off the ground, chin hot sweat cool, poised enough for autumn.

intentions for september:

my cousin does this thing where she chooses a word to capture her intentions for the beginning of every month. me, the literati that i am, cannot just choose one. i choose a bunch. images. thoughts. aesthetics. sounds too.

these are the sights and sounds of september for me. i’ll be honest, i never watched the devil wears prada in full. it was always on tv, played at parties, broken up by commercial breaks and other distractions a party favors. but i’m thinking of the new york woman. i’m thinking of the opening of the film with kt tunstall’s suddenly i see. i’m thinking of carrie bradshaw. didion at vogue. plath at mademoiselle. this playlist is the sound of this woman. she is click-clacking down the street in heels, an oversized blazer, a tiny bag, a paperback in one hand, and an iced psl in the other.

speaking of paperbacks, i plan to do a didion marathon. i miss her. i truly do. benjaminjournal recently mentioned in a video that he cried when she passed away, and he doesn’t do this for most titans. i too experienced the same well of sadness. the woman taught me how to write. how to look carefully. how to sharpen a sentence, split its throat, let it bleed. to see my teacher go, without any more works for the future, devastated me.

i’ve started with the last thing he wanted because i can’t stand the cover and can’t have it disrupt the flow of my vintage international editions of her books when i fully jump into them for september.

i plan to watch felicity after having seen a tiktok about being a freshman at nyu. if my recent reading of ferrante or my viewing of almodovar’s films have taught me anything, it’s that i’m all for melodrama! and i want to be back in it through teen angst. the show is about felicity, who leaves palo alto for the big apple with her time at nyu. there’s something so didion-esque about it, the bridge between california and new york. east coast versus west coast. and i had no idea that the show was created by jj abrams!

i’m also planning to finish the tatami galaxy, an anime about a third year student at kyoto university who uses parallel universes to explore how his life would be different if he joined different school clubs. mostly watching this because i received an arc of the writer’s sequel, the tatami time machine blues, which will be published by harper collins in november.

dark denim is in. this pair of jeans by maison margiela off of ken’s latest vlog caught my eye.

also, in all efforts, the sandy liang baggu is a summer bag, but i’m hoping to have a lot of wear in it for september. i’ve already added a charm to her and she is so cute !!! i’m invincible! you can’t stop me!

honestly, i’m ready for layers!

and blazers of course. it’s my signature layer. if i was a cartoon character, i would always choose to wear a blazer.

*1 kendall jenner in hommegirls and an oversized blazer

*2 diana in an oversized beige blazer

*3 camisas monolo black blazer

*4 lol sorry gatekeeping q boy

*5 aw99 archive miumiu hidden pocket jacket